My Budding Curmudgeon Part II


On a walk.

My friends and family enjoyed my post about my husband so much that I decided to do a followup. These are actual quotes from my husband, who I think will reach full curmudgeon status after this vacation:

“There are two disgusting beach chairs in the shed, but I’m not putting my ass anywhere near them.”

“That’s not being a cynical curmudgeon. It’s a fact. They’re disgusting.”

“All the kibble’s gone? It can’t be. Yikes.”

Tennis pro misses shot: “Uh oh, Spaghettios.”

On another tennis shot: “Crack one, you idiot.”

“At least someone’s eating the awful Captain Crunch.”

“There must be some reason dogs are banned from the Farmers’ Market. There must have been a horror show.”

Me: “Want to go to the Farmers’ Market?” Him: “No.”

At the Farmers’ Market:

“You just paid $7 for salad greens and $8 for a loaf of bread. That’s $1 an inch.”

Police officer outside the market: “Hey you got your greens!” Me: “He’s been complaining every step of the way.” Police officer: “Oh my God!” (I have a feeling she’s got one of him at home.)

Him: “Why aren’t you having the bread you bought?” Me: “It’s not gluten-free. I bought it for you.” Him: “I don’t want that moldy bread.”

Makes himself a sandwich.

‘OK, it’s good, but it’s bread.”

“It’s a good thing someone in this house has eagle eyes. I just found out why the garbage guy hasn’t been coming. Good job Matt for spotting that garbage truck We’re set until October.”

Me: “Hey, want to go to the flea market today?” Him: “I don’t want to go there. It’s way the xi*& out in Menemsha.”

Hat salesman at Chilmark Flea Market: “What kind of law do you do?” Him: “How did you know?” Salesman: “Just a hunch.”

Hat salesman to my son wearing Holy Cross gear: “God bless you.” Son: “Why? “Let’s just say it’s a good thing you’re a Crusader and leave it at that.”

“The best thing about buying a hat is it’s something you can wear.”

Daughter: “Dad, you seem jumpy. Sit down.” Him: “Can’t. Socks.”

Daughter: “Dad, sit.”  “Can’t. Shoes.”

“That hat guy is smart. He works here until Columbus Day and then gets the hell out of here for four months.”

Me: “You seem to be having a bad time. Is being here bringing up bad memories from your childhood?” Him: “I had a great time here as a child. I don’t think I can relax anywhere except South Carolina.”

Me: “I think you’ll feel better after you play tennis. Him: “That is if we can find a court.”

Everyone: “Let’s do takeout tonight.” Him: “OK, but that place has horrible food.”

“Who’s drinking all the milk?”

“It’s 10 o’clock. We’re wasting another day watching tennis.”

Son: “What’s for breakfast?” Him: “Have a banana before they all rot.”

“Where’s my newspaper?!”

“Look at Raffa’s legs.”

Me: “Someone said you’re funnier than Larry David.” Him: “Larry David must have lost some miles off his speedball.”






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