|I’m 64 today.|
I can’t believe it. But it’s true, and there’s no getting around it: I’m old. In honor of this milestone, here are 64 thoughts gleaned since I entered this world on Aug. 26, 1958:
1. Good manners are the result of good parenting.
2. If you meet a polite kid and have the opportunity, point it out to his/her parents. You will make their day.
3. There should be a special place in hell for people who tailgate at 7 on Sunday mornings.
4. It’s incredible how many people walk with their back to traffic.
5. When you get to your destination, call or text your mother to let her know you got there safely.
6. The people, including my son, who talk you through cable problems over the phone are brilliant.
7. These humongous tail lights are the definition of overkill.
8. Having a kid at college isn’t so bad if you realize it’s where he/she belongs.
9. No one wants to hear that they have “first world” problems.
10. Sometimes you just have to turn off the news.
11. A really good spouse calls to tell you there’s speed trap in the neighborhood.
12. Learning that your pet is sick is heartbreaking.
13. Clean out the refrigerator before you leave for vacation.
14. People with immaculate garages are from another planet.
15. It is very possible to have road rage while riding a bike.
16. A e-bike is one of the best things ever invented.
17. A lot of people focus on their body, but forget about their mind and spirit.
18. Good friends forgive each other’ faults.
19. Sending a kid off to college is a lot more emotional than anyone realizes.
20. Don’t wait a year to give the wedding present.
21. Having my mom around at this age is an enormous blessing.
22. It’s really hard to get 10,000 steps a day without a scheduled walk.
23. Having a semi green lawn when everyone else’s is burnt out is mildly satisfying.
24. Being laid up with an injury puts things in perspective.
25. There is nothing better than seeing two people in love get married.
26. It’s amazing what you will do for your children.
27. Marry someone who makes you laugh.
28. Predicting the Red Sox will lose does not make it any easier.
29. Being a NY Giants fan is a lesson in frustration.
30. Tom Brady is infinitely less annoying now that he’s not with the Patriots.
31. Making baked stuffed lobsters is a lot easier than people realize.
32. Starting a vegetable garden from seed is overrated.
33. Ants in your mailbox are unsettling.
34. A deep facial at a spa is life altering.
35. The green paint they sell for lawns is a waste of money.
36. No one looks good in a cycling helmet.
37. A nickel allergy can destroy earlobes, but plastic surgery can restore them.
38. Motherhood is the most selfless act of love.
39. An air fryer is better than I thought.
40. Fresh bagels demand cream cheese.
41. Eating a big lunch destroys any prospect of a great dinner.
43. Whoever invented the Everything Bagel seasoning is a genius.
44. Frozen chopped onions make cooking a lot easier.
45. Same with minced garlic in a jar.
46. Having pantry moths is horrendous.
47. So is a child with lice.
48. Having a good book is the best feeling in the world.
49. A Fitbit keeps you honest.
50. Sometimes you just need someone to listen.
51. Money doesn’t make people happy; people do.
52. There’s nothing good on TV.
53. I’m unsure I’ll watch Karamo now that Maury is retiring.
54. The whole Ben/JLo thing is getting really old.
55. Always do fasting blood work first thing in the morning so you can have your coffee ASAP.
56. Tennis is only as good as the person calling the lines across the net.
57. The kindness of nurses is astounding.
58. People who make patterns on their lawns are perfectionists.
59. You never forget who didn’t give you a wedding present.
60. Being in a large extended family is a blessing.
61. Go to your high school and college reunions.
62. Expressing sympathy over Facebook or text doesn’t cut it in most cases.
63. It’s much easier to clean when no one is home.
64. If you read all of these, I’m really impressed.
One of the things I love most about summer is corn on the cob.
My mother always features a huge platter of corn at her summer picnics, and I wait eagerly for farmers markets to drop loads of it on wooden tables, keeping the moisture in with a damp towel.
I don’t shuck my corn before buying like some, relying on my eye and the feel of the ear for signs of worms or even worse, strangely developed kernels. Nothing is more disappointing than shucking an ear only to find tiny or enormous kernels arrayed in mismatched rows. This is probably why I always buy an extra ear or two.
I’d been craving corn while on vacation on Martha’s Vineyard, where we cook in most nights. I had it all mapped out: I’d ride my bike 6 miles to Morning Glory Farm in Edgartown, and marvel at the glorious produce and spectacular bouquets. On my way out, I’d pluck four ears from the pile being carefully tended (policed?) by a store worker.
She looked at me suspiciously, as if I might start shucking right there, heaving a sigh of relief when I simply poked in the pile and plucked out four bright green ears that were cool to the touch. I put them in a brown paper bag, paid an enormous $5.60 and affixed them to the back of my bike for the ride home.
I was pleased with myself, having sourced part of my dinner while getting in some exercise. Killing two birds with one stone as the expression goes, though I’ve never really loved that imagery.
So imagine my mood when I returned home and showed the Curmudgeon my bounty. Instead of excitement, he announced: “Corn isn’t good here until August.”
Talk about a buzz kill. I ignored his statement for about an hour, as I do with his occasional pronouncements, which often sound like rules passed down from generation to generation. And then while I began shucking, I exploded.
“Who says that corn isn’t good until August?” I screamed. “The guy who runs the farm stand at home stops selling corn after Labor Day. Are you telling me it’s only good for a month?”
My outburst was met with silence, but I know where these rules come from. They’re from his father, who grew up on the island and had more rules than most exclusive country clubs. One of his funniest: a disdain for the MVY stickers people put on their cars.
When you vacation where your spouse did as a child, you never fully assimilate. Well, maybe some people do, but not me. I don’t feel confident riding the waves, diving under them at just the right time to avoid being smashed. I’m the crone who beats a hasty retreat at the sight of a huge wave, usually getting pummeled before I reach shore. And I can’t lay on the beach for hours at a time, largely under orders of my dermatologist after a brush with skin cancer in my late 40s.
His family did a lot of things as a unit on their annual two-week stay at the Vineyard every July. One of the biggest surprises of my early dating life occurred when his parents piled into the car with us to go buy fish in Menemsha. Any excursion was an excuse for family time.
This was light years away from my own family’s vacation mode: my sisters and I scattered on our two-week vacations at the Cape, giving our parents a wide berth. My father spent every day golfing with his best friend and his brother-in-law, rehashing the round over peanuts and drinks every afternoon. My mother kept busy with her sister Joan and her dear friend Lee. It was the adults and the kids, and we liked to keep it that way. We all needed a little time away from each other.
I boiled the water and threw in the corn, not expecting much given the Curmudgeon’s prediction. I turned off the burner, letting the corn rest as I cooked fat hamburgers on the grill.
I smugly pulled out four of the most buttery yellow ears, and coated them with a film of sweet butter. I took two, placing the other two on the Curmudgeon’s plate. He wolfed the corn, blessedly with little noise, before I’d finished my first.
The corn was good, not great. Sweet and crisp to the bite, but just a shade mealy or what the Curmudgeon terms “horse corn.” As it turns out, it was shipped to the Vineyard from Georgia. For really good native corn, everyone knows you must wait until August.
I’ve always been indifferent, even dismissive, about tie dye.
I’d cringe when my kids came home with a wet tie dye project in a plastic bag from camp, worrying that the colors would bleed all over my good clothes. And I always questioned the fashion sense of adults who pranced around in garish tie dye shirts, wondering what was going through their minds when they got dressed that morning.
“Must’ve been the only clean shirt in their drawer,” I’d think.
I haven’t worn a homemade tie dye garment since the ’70s, and I haven’t felt that I’m missing anything. I’m not a particularly crafty person nor do I crave a collection of tie dye in my wardrobe. So how do I explain my recent fascination with tie dye, which includes scouring Ocean State Job Lot and TJ Maxx for cheap white cotton shirts when I should have been home getting ready for Hurricane Henri?
While the rest of New England was battening down the hatches, I was hunting for 100 percent cotton T-shirts along with other panic buyers, including a woman balancing a one-month-old baby on her knee like a rag doll. It’s amazing what the prospect of a natural disaster like a hurricane does to the human mind. Some people go into survival mode, while other people go straight to denial and retail therapy. I’d like to think that explains why an older woman had to go shopping for throw pillows with a hurricane looming in the Atlantic.
I can’t explain the Tie Dye fixation, at least not rationally. So I’ll blame my 20-year-old daughter Maura, who worked as a day camp counselor over the summer. One day, she asked me to pick up tie dye materials as an activity for her 6-year-old campers. After scouring Wal-mart and coming up empty, I headed over to Michael’s, or should I say Tie Dye Central?
In the old days, tie dye meant boxes of Ritz dye, white vinegar and buckets, a mess just waiting to happen. But today’s tie dye kits are designed to streamline the process and make it seamless as possible. For $20, I bought a Tulip tie dye party in a plastic tackle box featuring everything from adorable plastic bottles containing dye to rubber bands, rubber gloves and even a plastic table cloth to protect my work space.
Maura never got around to using the kit with the kids, but it was increasingly tempting, like a quart of hand-packed vanilla ice cream in the freezer. I knew I would eventually break down and tear open the box, unleashing my inner child. The only question was how long would it take, and which white shirt in my wardrobe would be the first victim.
One hot muggy day, it happened. I got the overwhelming urge to tie dye, but not with reckless abandon of a summer camper. Instead, I decided to bone up on tie dye techniques on YouTube. In 15 minutes, I learned how to create striations, swirls and blocks of color to make something I might actually wear out of the house. I like things you can master in 15 minutes or less, and tie dye fits nicely into that category.
Watching a tie dye guru fold, twist and pucker fabrics to achieve certain patterns only heightened my desire to try my hand at this ancient process. The only problem would be having the patience to let my project sit for 24 hours to allow the dye to really soak in. Apparently, this is a problem shared by tie dyers worldwide, as nearly every tutorial stresses the importance of letting your project sit for at least one day.
Like most baby boomers, I associate tie dye with hippies of the ’60s, who often wore their homemade creations as a sign of the anti establishment and anti war movement. You can’t look at clips of Woodstock or anti war protests from those days without seeing a sea of homemade tie dye, which was as popular as halter tops, hot pants and low hip hugger bell bottom jeans.
My parents were pretty strict when it came to our clothes in elementary and junior high school. We couldn’t wear jeans to school and tie dye was not encouraged, perhaps because it was associated with hippies and stoners. No one was particularly sad to see the fad disappear in the late 70s, and for years, the only tie dye I saw was in the window of Sunshine Daydream, a tiny head shop along our town’s commercial strip.
But tie dye has more lives than a cat, re-emerging in the 80s and now holding a firm place in the fashion industry. Fashion historians say it tends to gain steam in tough times, when people are looking for cheap ways to reinvent their wardrobes. Maybe surviving a pandemic is part of the current tie dye craze. It would certainly explain my desire to do something that never interested me in the least until now.
Dating back to ancient China and Japan, tie dye arrived on the American fashion scene in the Roaring 20s and during the Great Depression. For the cost of a box of dye, people could create new fashion pieces and on top of that, have a one-of-a-kind piece. Think of tie dye like snowflakes: no two pieces are exactly the same.
That freedom of self expression through clothing boomed in the mid-60s with the anti war movement and in the early 70s with the women’s movement. I never really wore tie dye back then except for a shirt I made at the town’s day camp at the community center. Tie dying was one of our crafts, along with pot holders, a tile trivet and a paper mache cast of a dolphin that I hung on my bedroom wall.
To share my joy of tie dye, I hosted my own tie dye party with a group of relatives. When one brother-in-law looked like he might not participate, I said tie dying was required if he planned to eat dinner. He quickly scooped up a white shirt and tried his hand at it. I think he might have even enjoyed it.
Explaining my obsession to others often prompts skeptical looks. When I shared it with one sister, she wrote, “I hope you make the best tie dye on the East Coast” in my birthday card. Along with the card was a gorgeous tie dye scarf and beach bag. I couldn’t decide I’d she was indulging or poking a little fun at me. Maybe a little of both, I suspect.
We’ve live about 30 minutes from Lyme, CT., notorious for being the epicenter of Lyme disease.
Almost everyone I know has had Lyme disease, a tick-borne illness carried by a tiny deer tick. I had my own battle with the disease last year after a huge welt on my back didn’t go away after a month, and I finally got myself to the doctor. Ten days of antibiotics cleared it up, but I joined the ranks of relatives, friends and acquaintances with my own Lyme war story.
One of my friends had such a bad case of Lyme that he had to have a port for intravenous antibiotics for several months. A good friend of mine is on antibiotics permanently because of an undiagnosed case of Lyme disease in the late 80s. She occasionally gets a reprieve when her stomach can’t take it any more, but she suffers with permanent arthritis as a result of Lyme.
Unfortunately, ticks carry more than just Lyme, and doctors in Connecticut say this summer has been the worst in recent years for tick-borne diseases, which often present with flu-like symptoms. I’m writing this in hopes of sparing other people the agony of an undiagnosed tick borne disease. If you have flu-like symptoms and Covid 19 has been ruled out, insist that your health care provider run a blood panel to look for tick-borne diseases.
The Curmudgeon has been more curmudgeonly lately, complaining of fatigue, body aches and fever. He has been walking around with a digital thermometer in his pocket, taking his temperature while sitting at his desk at the office and driving his car. He has been running a fever of around 102 degrees, and complaining about night sweats and an ache in his back near his kidneys.
Two weeks ago, a Covid 19 came out negative, but his flu-like symptoms persisted. After much prodding, he called his doctor and was told he could get a telemedicine appointment two days later. If he wanted more immediate care, they referred him to a walk-in clinic affiliated with Yale-New Haven Hospital a half-hour away. I suggested the Yale Shoreline Clinic 5 minutes from our house, but the Curmudgeon overruled me. Naturally.
The doctor at the walk-in clinic took a chest X-ray, but never ran blood work. She sent him home, telling him that he looked good, but should consider a follow-up if his fever persisted. He was convinced it was a flu-like illness after a young woman in his office said she had contracted a similar virus, and downed Tylenol to control his fever, which continued to spike without medication.
Convinced it was just a matter of time until the fever abated, he played three matches for his USTA team in Districts outside of Boston last weekend. He’d been looking forward to it for months, and saw no reason to back out just because of a fever. Don’t even get me started on how much I tried to talk him out of it, but it was no use. He wanted to go, and he did, winning two of his three doubles matches.
He arrived home Saturday night and was still feeling awful. He finally went to the Shoreline clinic at the foot of our neighborhood on Sunday night, where they discovered he has Babesiosis, a tick-borne disease caused by microscopic parasites that infect red blood cells. Babesiosis is just one of several potentially deadly diseases carried by ticks in Connecticut, though I’d never heard of it until the Curmudgeon texted it to me.
Doctors considered admitting him to the hospital for treatment of the disease, which can lead to kidney failure and a host of other problems if left untreated. He was finally released about 4 a.m. after a courier rushed medicine from New Haven to Guilford. He will be on meds until the parasite is thoroughly eradicated from his blood cells.
Incredibly, this is the second case of a tick borne illness in my family within a month. In July, one of my brother-in-laws was diagnosed with anaplasmosis, another tick borne disease that infects blood cells. In both of these cases, the disease sufferer was convinced they had a common virus, and resisted seeking medical treatment, having no idea how sick they really were. It was only through prodding from relatives, including my 87-year-old mother, that the Curmudgeon finally sought follow-up care.
How did the Curmudgeon get it?
Though people were quick to blame the dog, we treat her with tick prevention medication and she doesn’t sleep in our bed. It’s more likely he contracted it in the woods near our house, where we’ve been walking the dog due to the the high heat and humidity this summer. Ticks like moist shady areas and there’s plenty of that around here. To be honest, we rarely check for ticks and we don’t wear pants or tuck in our socks, probably the best way to prevent a tick bite.
I hope to get something positive out of the Curmudgeon’s ordeal, trying to educate people to be aware of tick-borne diseases other than Lyme. We all love our pets, but anyone with a dog or who spends time outside should check yourself every day for ticks. We should make it part of our daily routine along with showering and brushing our teeth. Ticks have to be on our radar, though they’ve understandably taken a back seat during the pandemic.
Don’t be scared, but be aware and insist on blood work. Anything less just doesn’t cut it with ticks out there.
Listening to books as I strolled the hills and meadows of my hometown was one of the only things that kept me relatively sane during the pandemic.
In a perfect world, I’d have someone to keep me company, to entertain and distract me with stories about their spouses and children, or provide a sounding board as I prattle on about my own life. But having a walking buddy is not always possible, particularly in the summer when people scatter. I’ve learned the hard way that a walking date is the first thing to go when the day gets a little hectic, meaning I’m on my own.
A lot of people took up walking during the pandemic to get outside and stay relatively fit. There’s a couple in my neighborhood who march by military style every day, the husband 10 paces ahead of the wife, occasionally making circles to wait for her to catch up. But I’d rather walk alone than trail someone who can’t be bothered talking to me. I’m annoyed for this woman, though it seems to be working for them.
I’m late to the Audiobook game, a person who always wondered about the state of marriages of couples who insist on listening to books on long road trips. I relish having a chance to chat with the Curmudgeon on long car trips because he’s a captive audience, unable to scroll through his phone or sneak a peek at the Boston Red Sox or Boston Bruins game as I rail about something.
The Curmudgeon and I are seasoned long haulers, able to keep a conversation going for most of our annual 16-hour road trip to Hilton Head Island every spring. When things get dull, I play DJ, digging through my music library to play old chestnuts like the Stray Cats and the Peppermint Rainbow, an obscure group from the 60s. No surprise that they were one-hit wonders with a ridiculous name like that.
I first turned to Audible in the early part of the pandemic, listening to a free autobiography by music legend James Taylor. Bonus: Taylor narrated the book in his beautiful voice, which is just as soulful and appealing as his singing voice. Between chapters, I’d play some of Taylor’s songs, happy to know the background of how they came to be.
Taylor’s book unwittingly sparked a succession of Audiobooks about musicians and their music, a kind of MTV “Behind the Music” walk down memory lane. Since March 2020, I’ve listened to 12 Audiobooks about musicians, from Jim Morrison of the Doors, Grace Slick of Jefferson Starship and Tom Petty to Rod Stewart, Heart, Fleetwood Mac and Peter Frampton.
One of the most surprising aspects of my selections is the number of lesser known group members I’ve opted to listen to over their more famous bandmates. I passed up Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler’s book “Is The Noise in My Head Bothering You?” in favor of bassist Joe Perry’s book “Rocks.” I passed on Go-Go Girls’ lead singer Belinda Carlisle’s book in favor of bassist Kathy Valentine’s book, “All I Ever Wanted,” which I thoroughly enjoyed.
For me, there’s something fascinating about the “fly on the wall” stories from people who were in groups, but not center stage. I tried to listen to both Tyler and Carlisle’s stories after listening to their bandmates’ books, but wasn’t interested enough to go past the sample. I’m sure there could be a psychological element involved: I am, of course, the second born child, never having the spotlight to myself. Or it may have something to do with my appreciation for a good base, which makes the song.
Rock memoirs strike the right note during a stroll, engaging me but not forcing me to think too hard. I tried listening to a biography of William Faulkner, but got bored after a few chapters. I have no idea what I was thinking when I bought it, because I don’t have the patience for any of it. I’m pretty sure the hard copy of the book is just as tedious.
One of the best parts about this endeavor is learning tidbits about singers and songs that I’ve loved for years:
John Sebastian of the Lovin’ Spoonful played harmonica on the Doors’ Roadhouse Blues, changing his name on the album credits so his fans wouldn’t be upset.
Stevie Wonder played harmonica on Chaka Khan’s song “I Feel for You” after attending Marvin Gaye’s funeral. Listening to it, you can almost hear Wonder’s joy and appreciation for life. I’ve loved that song for years, yet never focused on the harmonica part until I realized who was playing.
For me, the background to a song has always been as interesting as the song itself. When he was writing his song “Melissa,”, Greg Allman couldn’t come up with a suitable girl’s name until he walked into a convenience store and someone yelled, “Melissa.” David Lee Roth wrote the words to nearly every Van Halen song after his bandmates wrote the music.
Next up: Sinead O’Connor’s new memoir narrated in her delightful Irish accent, which was suggested by one of my sisters with an equal passion for rock memoirs. I don’t know her music that well, but that’s half the fun of this endeavor. It opened my horizons during a bleak period of entrapment, giving me a mental as well as a physical escape. And for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.
I’ve been looking for a good reason to blog lately.
It came rather unexpectedly as I was saying goodbye to my friend Linda’s son after her memorial service in Vermont.
Like many people over the last 16 months, Linda’s funeral was postponed due the Covid 19 pandemic, preventing her family, friends and former co-workers from gathering to properly mourn, raise a glass and share stories about her. The lack of ceremony made her death at age 83 in March, 2020, a little surreal. Depriving people of the ritual and comfort of gathering to mourn was one of the most difficult parts of the pandemic.
I was relieved that her family decided to press ahead with a memorial mass because such ceremonies often fall by the wayside with the passage of time. When my mother-in-law died in 2004, we planned to hold a memorial service in her hometown “at a later date.” We never could muster the strength or enthusiasm for the memorial service, contenting ourselves with her funeral on Martha’s Vineyard.
There is comfort in gathering after someone you love dies because at the end of the day, it’s how people touch our lives that matters. All too often today, we use social media or a text to convey feelings of sympathy, but there is something to be said for showing up for people in their time of sorrow. In his 2009 book Losing Mum and Pup: A Memoir, Chris Buckley (son of William F. Buckley) wrote that you don’t remember who shows up at wakes and funerals, but you remember who doesn’t. I’ve come to see the wisdom in his words.
As I was bidding goodbye to Linda’s oldest child Bob and complimenting him on his eulogy, he told me that he once read some of my blogs to his mother during a weekend visit at an assisted living facility in Brattleboro, where she lived her final years with her loving husband of 61 years Bob Sr. As he read one blog about some women having the great fortune of looking great with gray hair, he realized that I had included his mother in the piece. He thought it was incredibly coincidental – he had randomly picked that blog. I thought him telling me the story was equally coincidental. Over the last few weeks, I’ve lamented more than once that I’ve let my blog slide. That’s not like me, and I’m sure Linda, who also happened to be my first newspaper editor, would be disappointed that I’ve been slacking off.
I don’t know why we let things slide that we love from time to time, but we do and sometimes we need messages from heaven to get back on track. I love to blog, but glitches with WordPress and the resumption of life post-pandemic over the past few months put the blog in mothballs. I have a few pieces in the hopper, but I began to feel self-conscious about posting. I began to overthink, a sure recipe for blocking anything good in life.
I began to write personal columns under Linda’s guidance as a reporter for the Milford Citizen in the early 80s. We had a rotating column called “In This Corner” in which reporters and editors waxed about everything from sisters stealing clothes (me) to learning how to drive (Linda). We wrote when the spirit moved us, and it usually did. Everyone contributed columns, including an older society pages assistant named Kay Patrick, who once shared her recipe for blueberry buckle.
The Milford Citizen was a tight-knit group: what we lacked in prestige and size we made up for in fun and camaraderie. People dressed in costumes on Halloween and we had a standing table at a bar next door, where we drank pitchers of beer and feasted on chicken wings during happy hours. One day, we roasted the pressman Warren, who always wore flannel shirts, gathering around the press in the backroom in a collection of plaid shirts. Going to work wasn’t a chore because it was fun, even when we were pushing to get out the paper.
Much of the credit for the atmosphere goes to Linda, who ran the place like a mother hen. She was the first person through the door at 6 a.m., relishing having the newsroom to herself, and couldn’t understand why I could never arrive at work on time at 8 a.m. She ate yogurt at her desk every day, depriving herself the luxury of a lunch out, and was slightly jealous when I’d return from a lunch of whole belly fried clams and french fries, wishing she could indulge like a 23 year old. I don’t think anyone over the age of 25 can pull that off, but it was fun while it lasted.
During my interview for my first reporter’s job, Linda spent the bulk of the time telling me about her four children, including Bob, who was a student at Columbia University at the time. It was clear that although she was a working mom, her first priority was her kids, and to her credit, I could never tell which one was her favorite. She gushed about all of them with equal fervor and I sometimes was envious that they had such a cool parent. I often thought of her as a second mom, though I don’t think she knew that.
When I fell in love with the sports editor and planned to marry, Linda threw a surprise bridal shower at her house, where every woman from the entire newspaper gathered and presented me with gifts. I still remember her luring me over to her house, saying, “Hey, could you come here for a minute?” I was stunned when I entered her house to a roomful of smiling women bearing everything from placemats to picnic baskets. In photos from that day, I have the look of someone who’s seen a ghost; I don’t think my heartbeat returned to normal until the following day when the shock wore off.
As part of the memorial service, Linda’s children compiled a website with slice of life columns that she wrote for the Brattleboro Reformer, the newspaper that lured her away with the promise of a job in the mid-80s. The timing was right: her youngest son Peter had just graduated from high school, and Linda longed for the green mountains of Vermont, where she’d spent her youth before her family settled in Connecticut. I was, of course, devastated. Things were never the same after she left.
The priest praised Linda’s columns about everyday things, noting they evoked feelings of a simpler time and ultimately gave people hope in their everyday lives. As he spoke, I thought of my blog, and how my friend Barbara told me she read some of them to fellow patients while undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. Barbara told me that they gave them a chuckle at a low point, lifting their spirits as cancer-fighting drugs seeped into their veins. For me, that was the highest praise – better than a paycheck or Pulitzer, though to be honest, both would be nice.
So I’m back to the blog in a very big part because of Linda, and the things she taught me about life: family first, friendship, laughter, faith, home-cooked meals, frugality, keep things simple, celebrate the good times and above all, share your talents, even if it’s just with one person.
I miss her, but she lives in my heart and inspires me. Most of all, I think she’d be happy that I’m back in the saddle again.
An older woman walked into the monastery gift shoppe where I volunteer every other week.
I love this job because it reminds me of playing store when I was little. There is a cash box with a key, an adding machine with a spool of white paper, and a receipt book with carbon paper on which I write up purchases. The white one goes in the cash box, the yellow one with the customer. We take only cash or checks: there’s not a credit card machine or chip that plugs into your I-Phone to pay anywhere in sight. Volunteers have been known to lend people cash so they can make their purchases, relying on the honor system of being paid back.
I love the job because I’m off the grid for a few hours – my I-Phone doesn’t get service there – and the 20 or so sisters at the monastery aren’t obsessed with sales. Sure, they rely on them to survive, but they have more important things on their mind, including praying for the salvation of man. I’m all for that, because we could sure use it these days.
I knew this customer was a little prickly when she took a seat across from me, and asked me why I wasn’t playing religious music, as many volunteers do.
“I really enjoy the quiet,” I said. “Many of the people who come in here remark on how quiet it is, such a break from the noise of everyday life.” It’s true. The quiet and sense of peace are the first things people comment on when they step onto the monastery grounds in North Guilford, CT. It’s a different kind of quiet, the kind that heightens your sense of hearing and makes you long for more quiet spaces.
“I enjoy hearing religious music when I’m here,” she repeated.
I didn’t flinch, nor feel the need to slip a CD disc into the CD player behind the desk. She made her opinion known, and I listened to her, but I did my own thing. Listening is usually a good strategy when dealing with other people, but it doesn’t mean we should compromise our own wishes. I like the quiet, so it stayed quiet.
Her breathing was heavy and it looked like she was struggling to breathe behind her face mask. I commented that it looked like Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was struggling to breathe behind her face mask during President Biden’s address to the Joint Session of Congress. At times it looked like Pelosi was having difficulty breathing, something I’ve struggled with at times behind a mask.
“I didn’t watch it,” she snapped. “I wouldn’t watch him or her for all the money in the world.”
Her friend quickly chimed in, “Every time I see her, it looks like she’s had another facelift. Why would I watch her?”
I was a little surprised by the women’s response to my comment. Once upon a time, it was our civic duty to watch presidential addresses. It didn’t matter if we voted for the president or not: we had a duty to hear what he had to say, to be educated on what was going on with our country. That’s how I was raised anyway. You didn’t skip the President’s address because of someone’s appearance, or even their politics.
Her comment bothered me, particularly since President Biden has stayed largely behind the scenes since taking office in January. It’s not as if he’s been on TV a lot. In fact, he’s been roundly criticized by some for his low profile while tackling the worst pandemic to hit this country in 100 years. So I was interested in what he had to say after more than three months on the job. I figured a lot of other people felt the same way I did.
Since I began voting at age 18, I’ve listened to more presidents I didn’t vote for than presidents I did. But that’s part of our civic duty: becoming informed and listening to speeches and press conferences so we can form educated opinions on issues, not just repeat pablum filtered through political pundits. Failing to educate yourself about what’s going because you don’t like someone isn’t an excuse, at least in my book.
If you don’t know what’s going on, how can you form an opinion, or possibly have it changed? An open mind seems to be a rare commodity these days, but I think it’s something we all need. The worst kind of thinking is believing you know everything, having your mind made up before you know all or even some of the facts. It would be nice if we all emerged from the pandemic a little more open-minded and willing to listen.
This was Biden’s first major address to the joint session of Congress since taking office. I was most interested in what he had to say about the pandemic and the future. I wanted to hear what he had to say about jobs, and was buoyed when he mentioned a push for all of us to buy American again. That hasn’t been a national rallying cry in a long time, and quite frankly is long overdue.
My encounter with the women got me thinking about civic duty, and the importance of doing your part for this nation. I decided to alter my Facebook photo to show that I’ve been double vaccinated against Covid 19. I didn’t know this was an option until several of my Facebook friends put the tiny banner along the edge of their profile photos. It’s a little thing, but shows my support for the vaccination program. It’s the least I can do to show others that I’m on board, actually thrilled to be double vaccinated.
Facebook launched the program in conjunction with the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (HHS) and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to promote public awareness and acceptance of the vaccine. The theory is that if people see family and friends doing it, they’ll do it too. Facebook is launching the frames because studies show how social norms can have a major impact on people’s attitude and behavior when it comes to their health.
They have a point: I decided to change my profile picture after seeing one of my friends had done it. It’s a simple thing, but maybe it will convince someone who’s on the fence to do it.
Don’t hate me, but I took a vacation.
With two Covid 19 shots and a bad case of wanderlust – I’d taken comfort in sitting on an I-95 overpass and looking at cars whizzing by in recent weeks – we decided to take our annual road trip south. We drove because neither the Curmudgeon nor I love to fly. And then there is the issue of packing: if we flew, we’d need to ship a cargo carrier down with all of our stuff.
At one point during the packing process, the Curmudgeon said, “If anyone was coming with us, we’d have to strap him to the roof.” I have no idea how we used to fit in two kids, and a dog.
The Curmudgeon is worse than I am, assembling boxes filled with pantry staples like balsamic vinegar, Good Seasons salad dressing (he forgot the cruet!), and store-brand Shake & Bake for our week-long stay. He packed Brillo and enough laundry detergent pods to last three months. I told him that I didn’t want to eat Shake & Bake chicken while I’m away – that I want to eat lowcountry fare: shrimp and grits and snow crabs plucked from the Piggly Wiggly’s shellfish display case, but he packed it anyway. It remained unopened for nearly 2,000 miles, just as I had predicted.
I enjoy eating local when I’m away, and there’s no better place for seafood than South Carolina. Walking the “squeaky” white sand beaches, you can see the shrimp trawlers dragging for their catch, and buckets of local shrimp are sold at roadside stands along with boiled peanuts, another local delicacy. I like to order “She-Crab” soup, sweet tea, peel and eat shrimp, hush puppies and Hoppin’ John, a mixture of black eye peas and rice. This year, my brother-in-law Ted surprised everyone by ordering alligator bites as an appetizer, which he generously shared with the table. The verdict: sweet and tender, a little like chicken. The next day, we snapped this photo and sent it to Ted with the caption Gator Revenge:
For me, food is as much a part of getting away as the sun and surf. So I’m always a little disappointed when I’m away, and someone suggests baked chicken or hotdogs and hamburgers for dinner. That’s a little like ordering a Maine lobster in Ohio, or fish at a Connecticut pancake house, as I did one evening with disastrous results. It can be done, but why?
Though “eating local” has become as grating a term as “self care,” I’ve always been a fan of regional cuisine, from New Haven pizza and New York soft pretzels and hotdogs to New England clam chowder and Maryland crab cakes. During my family’s annual summer vacation on Cape Cod every August, I loved feasting on whole belly fried clams dipped in copious amounts of tartar sauce with a side of french fries and coleslaw. Being a late August baby, that was my birthday dinner. I can’t go to the Cape without craving fried clams, though these days I usually skip the fries.
When I’m on Martha’s Vineyard, I want to eat fish all the time, even if it means contending with everyone else crowding around Larsen’s Fish Market in Menemsha to eat boiled lobsters off their lap for lunch or clams on the half shell at sunset. I want to eat harpooned swordfish, bay scallops as sweet as candy and piles of steamers with drawn butter. I want to cook grey sole the way my mother-in-law did – lightly seasoned with bread crumbs and paprika sprinkled on top and baked quickly at 500 degrees – and I want to eat stuffed littlenecks even if I must return from the beach two hours early to prepare them.
I want to eat local, from the overpriced greens and breads sold at the West Tisbury Farmers Market, the cheese from the local cows and the salsas, jams and hand pressed Limeade rustled up by Islanders. I want to buy overpriced salt harvested from local waters and smoked in flavors like oak and hear stories about different salts from the woman who makes them. I want to buy blueberry muffins from the pie lady, and spring for a sandwich at an overpriced shop. I rarely splurge for sandwiches at home, so why not? Isn’t that the point of being on vacation?
Years ago, my parents went away with some close friends, sharing a house on the beach close to where we stayed this year. My father’s friend pulled a half gallon of ice cream out of the freezer at 10 a.m., and began eating it as though it was routine. My father couldn’t get over it – ice cream in the morning! But his friend explained that he’d never do this except on vacation. My father didn’t get it: he was a disciplined guy and would never indulge like that. But I understand it, more now that I’m older. It’s fun to break the routine, particularly after the year we’ve all been through.
With only about an hour before checkout and coffee ice cream in the freezer, the Curmudgeon made himself a shake at 8:30 a.m. He’d never do that at home, but as he explained: “There was ice cream and milk.” He actually returned home three pounds lighter than when he left, so who am I to question him about shakes before lunch?
So the Shake & Bake didn’t happen, even after the Curmudgeon offered to make it and serve it for lunch. I warned him I didn’t want it, and I meant it. Maybe next time, he’ll listen.
I was recently asked to write a short bio for a new venture one of my friends is launching.
That’s the good thing about friends: they’ll ask you to join their new business when your resume has more holes in it than a moth-eaten sweater. I sat there looking at the blank screen for a few minutes and thought, “Boy, I don’t have much to say on the career front.”
And then I thought of the two reasons why: my son and daughter, who have occupied most of my time for the past 23 years. Years ago, I had a lot of trouble wrapping my head around a reporter’s decision to step away from her job to raise her kids. And then my son entered my life at age 39 and I thought, “I’ve got one chance to do this right, and I don’t want to screw it up.”
I doubled down on that thought after my daughter joined our family when I was 42. I’m glad I was able to stay home with them because they’re my pride and joy. So rather than pad my resume, I made it abundantly clear that I was a stay-at-home mom in my very short bio. I don’t care if it doesn’t sound impressive: it’s the truth, and I’d do it again tomorrow if I had the chance.
Though staying home with kids is certainly an acceptable route in our society, it’s not valued in the workplace as experience and doesn’t sound impressive at cocktail parties. Saying you’re a blogger often elicits eye rolls, but here’s the thing: blogging has given me back the gift of writing, something I took for granted all those years as a reporter. It’s given me a forum to express myself, and the confidence to believe I can produce longer pieces.
My road to stay-at-homeness was gradual, certainly nothing I planned when I was setting out. In fact, I wanted nothing more than a successful career, having grown up in a time of women’s liberation and equal rights. When a college friend told me during senior year her goal was to marry, have kids and join the garden club, I winced, believing she was shortchanging herself.
“What about a career?” I thought to myself.
I spent most of my 20s and 30s as a reporter and editor at small dailies and weeklies until I got a job at a bigger newspaper. As much as I loved my work, I knew I wanted to be a mom. My road to motherhood was fraught with disappointment until a miracle came along after about 10 years. I named him Matthew, gift of the Lord. Nearly four years later, we welcomed his sister Maura.
I continued to freelance when my kids were young, waking up the crack of dawn to complete writing assignments while the little monsters slept. But as they got older, even freelancing became difficult because I was so busy shuttling them to sporting events, CCD and other after school activities. What you learn is that it’s actually easier to get things done when your kids are babies. Once the hustle and bustle of shuttling kids begins, your life is not your own.
My desire to write waned as my children got older and I took on the role of taxi driver. I used to tell people that my day didn’t really begin until 3, when I buckled them into their seats and began driving the back streets of Guilford, CT., to avoid highway traffic to get them where they needed to be. I now know every shortcut in town like the back of my hand. But I was a little lost when my son went off to college: without him around, I was sad and didn’t know what to do with myself. I decided to start a blog, just to see if anyone might be able to relate to my experiences.
I thought it was three years – honest. Then I got my anniversary notice from WordPress and it says four years, so I guess it must be so.
I still enjoy blogging, sharing experiences in hopes of connecting with people. It thrills me when people write back, telling me they can relate or sharing their own spin on things. I’m overwhelmed by the positive feedback I’ve received, and can honestly say it’s been a great experience. I have nothing but good things to say about blogging, and encourage anyone who wants to blog to try it.
At this point, I’m nearing 300 followers on WordPress, with others following on Facebook. I don’t gauge my success in terms of number of followers, but in terms of how I connect with the readers I have: did I strike a chord and remind you of something in your own life or childhood? Did I make you laugh, cry or wistful? I’m not trying for a certain reaction: that to me is manipulative. But if I happen to strike a chord, that’s the money shot. I think that’s what every writer is after at the end of the day.
So here it’s been – four years. Not a long time, but as long as high school, college and some short-lived marriages. Thanks for coming along for the ride. I can’t wait to see what the next year will bring.
I’m not sure what happens to women over the age of 50, but we become a little obsessed with aging.
It’s not necessarily just our own aging process that interests us. We’re also interested in the age of other women we see on the street, in the supermarket, in the CVS drive-thru line, in ads and on the TV screen, wondering how old they are. Senior days at the supermarket are a particularly fertile time for this pastime: it’s interesting to see how many older women rock spandex leggings or pink streaks in their hair these days.
I don’t remember age being part of the equation when I was a “kid” in my 20s and 30s, but maybe it was always there waiting to be unleashed like the grey hair at my temples. People say one of the gifts of turning 50 is no longer caring what other people think of you. If that’s true, then so is looking at other women around your age and seeing how Father Time is treating them.
My first memory of making a point to Google an actor’s age is after a play at Long Wharf in New Haven that I attended with a few friends several years ago. The star of the show was a gorgeous actress with a killer body, but it was obvious that she was a mature woman. My friends and I debated her age, finally settling the debate with a few finger strokes on our trusty I-Phones. For the record, the woman was a few years younger than I was, but looked a helluva lot better than me. That’s OK. That’s not a high bar these days.
One of my pandemic obsessions is Googling people’s ages on my phone as I watch various shows, or should I say programs? I don’t much care how old men are – they’re merely a blip on my phone screen. But I’ll admit that I did a double take when I realized an old bald guy on a recent episode of “Magnum PI” was Corbin Bernsen. As an early fan of The Young & the Restless, I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Corbin because he is the son of the late Jeanne Cooper, who played Katherine Chancellor for years.
I’d seen his name in the credits at the beginning of Magnum PI, and looked forward to seeing the hunky blond actor from “LA Law.” As I watched the show, I kept thinking, “Where’s Corbin?” It wasn’t until the end of the show that I realized that he was the old guy dying in a hospital bed. To be fair, the makeup people did a job on Corbin, making him look much older than his 66 years. He’s still a very attractive man. But it was hard seeing him as the old bald character actor rather than the gorgeous lead from his younger days. Maybe seeing him reminded me that I’m no longer the young woman I was when I was watching him rock that blond mane back in the ‘80s.
It’s nice when you look up a celebrity’s age and are pleasantly surprised that they’re holding up so well: Jane Fonda is 83, Lily Tomlin is 81, Helen Mirren is 75 and Christie Brinkley still looks great at 67. Of course, it’s possible a fair bit of work may be involved, but that’s OK. I’d never fault anyone for plastic surgery, though it’s not a route I plan to take (never say never). I only ask for honesty when plastic surgery is involved: please don’t tell the public you’re all natural when we all know you’re not.
Aging isn’t easy for any of us, and it doesn’t get any easier with each passing year. It’s hard to know what you look like to the outside world as you age, particularly with everyone wearing masks that cover troublespots like lined cheeks, sagging jowls, drooping chins and laugh lines. One of the most humbling experiences is catching a glimpse of myself in the camera at the self service checkout at Wal-mart and Big Y: I look quickly and then avert my eyes. “You’ve got to be kidding going out in public like this,” I think.
Though I’m not consumed with age, and realize that aging is a privilege, it’s hard to think of myself as looking like an old lady at 62. So it was with a mixture of amusement and horror that I looked at an age progression chart for the Keto Diet on Facebook. Each of the age groups features a depiction of women at different ages and what they can expect to look like on Keto. Everyone looks pretty good until you get to the woman in her 60s, who looks old from her head to her toes.
I thought I was the only one who objected to this scary depiction of a frumpy if kindly looking old lady until a Facebook ad for Keto popped up in my feed this week. The responses came from around the world, with the consensus that we’ll all stick to our terrible diets if this is what awaits us:
“How about some new photos of over 60? one woman wrote.
“Wow, looking at how you depict women at certain ages. This is so off,” wrote another.
“My 83-year-old mother looks better than the example of the 60+ woman,” wrote another. So does my 87-year-old mother, for that matter.
“If going on Keto means that I’ll lose my sense of style and look like this, I’ll stick to my current diet,” a 71-year-old woman wrote.
It was a relief that I wasn’t the only one who objected to the depiction in the 60+ age bracket. And people found other problems with the ad, from misspellings (stake instead of steak) to its lack of representation for men and minorities. Some people criticized the clothing, with one guy noting:
“I didn’t realize that age 40 was the age that Karens got their wings.”
Of course, most people commented on the diet, which was, after all, the point of the ad. But I think the comments about the 60+ woman’s appearance speaks to the importance of accurate branding. I know plenty of women in their 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s who are in fantastic shape and stylish. Seeing how the 60+ crowd is depicted in the Keto ad is insulting because it’s not an accurate depiction. In fact, it will probably turn off more women than it will attract.
Maybe the ad people will get their act together and update the chart – we can always hope they come to their senses. In the meantime, there’s a bowl of pasta with my name on it.