Happy Mother’s Day

I came down with my second case of Covid 19 the same day the local paper declared the virus is no longer a problem.

I hate when that happens.

The numbers are going down, but it’s still out there, body slamming the unsuspecting. Right now I’m on Day 3, and starting to feel impatient, somewhere between feeling grateful that I can kind of breathe again and frustrated that I’m still laid up.

The thing about being so sick you’re bedridden is the need to let your mother know you’re down for the count. The reality of the situation doesn’t really hit until you know your mother knows you’re feeling punk, and whispers words of sympathy and encouragement into your clogged ear.

As in most cases in a large family, my mother learned of my illness from one of my sisters. The whole family was notified of my status via a group text usually reserved for things like potluck holiday dinner assignments, gift ideas and medical emergencies. This was important because we’d all been at an outdoor birthday party (see above) three days before I tested positive. So far, no one else is positive, so there’s a chance I’m the idiot who went to the party carrying the virus before I knew I had it.

In general, I’ve come to dread the family group text because it’s usually bad news. I learned that my mother broke her pelvis and her hip, and that my brother-in-law was gravely ill in a family group text. This is probably why I’ve come to view it skeptically and cautiously whenever it pings. My mother is not on the group text, not because we want to exclude her, but because she doesn’t know how to text. When she wants to send out a group text, she asks me or one of my sisters to convey the message.

As I expected, my mom called and left a voice mail for me on Day 2. “I heard you’re not feeling well. Give me a call when you get a chance,”

I was excited to call her back, if for no other reason than to find a sympathetic ear to outline my symptoms and the depth of my malaise. A former registered nurse, my mother was always at her best when we were sick, providing Campbell’s Chicken & Stars soup, saltines, ginger ale, Lipton tea, and when we were old enough, hot toddies. If we were really sick with, say the mumps, we would get presents like paper dolls, coloring books or Colorforms to keep us busy.

But the best part of being sick was having my mom all to myself for a few hours. One of the few drawbacks of a large brood is never having enough mom time, especially when you’re second from the top of the order.  A sick day meant a day of mom’s fairly undivided attention, and I relished it.

My mother is 89 now and I’m 64, but I’m still a little kid when I’m sick. I think we’re all like this, and I imagine this is among the toughest things about losing your mom: there is no one to tell that you don’t feel well who cares the way your mom does.

Six months before she died, I sat with my mother-on-law on the sand on Martha’s Vineyard as my husband played with our kids near the water. She hadn’t been feeling well all summer, but no one could figure out what was wrong. We would learn she had ALS just six weeks before she died the following March.

“Take care of Stephen,” she said.

“Of course,” I thought. And then I realized she was worried that she wouldn’t be around to look after her first born the way mothers do. There is something utterly terrifying about the thought of getting sick when you’re a mom, mainly because you’re worried about who will care for your kids. Our community recently lost a mother who fought cancer for years, battling it in large part so she could see her two children grow up. As I heard her husband’s stirring eulogy, I understood, as did every other mother in the church.

I had no idea that it would still be important to share my health status with my mom at such an advanced age, but I’m proof that this need never really goes away, nor does your mom’s interest in hearing just how lousy you feel. Of course, even moms have their limits and my mother let me know in no uncertain terms that she had other things on her mind during our call.

“I have water in my basement. I may have a leak, so I have to go,” she said.

“How dare she?” I thought. “Right when I was getting to the part about the worst sinus congestion of my life.”

But mom redeemed herself a few hours later, giving me a call to apologize for worrying that her house could be under water. And I forgave her, because I need her sympathetic ear to get through this. I’m lucky to have her, and so is everyone else who still has their mom around.

Whether you mom is still here or in your heart, Happy Mother’s Day!

Girl Dad Supreme

Retired Bridgeport homicide police detective Dwayne McBride shows off a recent donation to his prom dress drive. It’s all part of the Willie and Sandra McBride Foundation aimed at improving the lives of city residents.

I’m not a girly girl, but I’m a pushover for formal affairs like weddings and proms.

When a female electrician arrived to fix a broken ice maker during a recent vacation down South, she spied my lighted makeup mirror on the kitchen counter (don’t ask) and grilled me for details about it.

In short order, we were huddled around the center island as she discussed plans for her wedding in October. It wasn’t a short chat. We spent about an hour discussing everything from makeup to hairstyles for her big day. I was surprised how quickly I was swept up in wedding planning mode, nearly bursting with excitement.

Her unbridled enthusiasm and singular focus brought back memories of planning my own wedding, and how my newspaper colleagues put up with hearing the nitty gritty details for nearly a year. I know they indulged me, but they had a vested interest: I was marrying a beloved co-worker, and they were all invited to the wedding. It was the least I could do for carrying on for so long.

A few days after that conversation, Debbie Ramos of Bridgeport put out a call for prom dresses on a Facebook page called Everything Is Free Connecticut. I love this page because I’m bowled over by people’s generosity, though sometimes I question people’s idea of a freebie. Not everything is suitable for donation, and it’s up to people to use good sense when going on a public forum.

The post caught my eye because I have a few of my daughter’s prom gowns gathering dust in her closet. She never plans to wear them again and OK’d donating them, though she refused to part with a navy blue beaded dress that she wore to her senior prom. I didn’t blame her; that one is a keeper.

I arranged to drop off the gowns in Bridgeport en route to a writing class in Westport. But traffic was so bad that I never made the class. Instead, I bumped into the unlikely organizer of the prom gown drive: Dwayne McBride, a retired Bridgeport homicide detective with a smile as wide as Wayne Brady.

McBride spotted me clutching two scarlet gowns in the lobby of his security consulting firm on Fairfield Avenue. “I think those are for me,” he said, motioning me into his office. In the corner stood a garment rack jammed with about 75 gowns donated over the past few weeks. More gowns were piled on a nearby folding table.

Something about Dwayne put me in instant reporter mode. Maybe it was his mentioning the names of veteran reporters who covered Bridgeport police and federal court at the Connecticut Post, where I worked for several years. Or maybe it was his easy rapport with me: he reminded me of some of the detectives I covered at the Milford police department.

Whatever the case, I knew I needed to know his story. I asked to borrow a pen and a legal pad and took a seat near his tidy desk. Reporting is a lot like riding a horse – the questions came quickly and naturally as did my scribble. I asked how a street-tough cop started collecting prom dresses.

Turns out Dwayne spends some of his spare time mentoring 5th and 6th grade boys at Dunbar Middle School. While he was in the school yard one day after school, he began talking to a group of the kids’ older sisters who came to pick them up from school.

Dwayne asked them about their prom plans. When at least five girls said they weren’t going because they couldn’t afford a gown, Dwayne swung into action.

“In every case, it was the dress, the dress, the dress,” he said. He began posting fliers about his drive in stores and local barber shops and beauty salons, and dresses began coming in.

The drive got a boost when Debbie, a friend of McBride’s son, went on Everything Is Free Connecticut to seek donations. That’s where I saw it. I knew I wanted to be part of it, though I can’t fully explain why. Maybe it was the frenzy from discussing wedding plans a few days before with the electrician. I was in formal party mode, at least mentally.

There are a few magic moments that stand out in your life when you feel like a princess or a prince. The prom is one of them, and every girl (and boy) should have a chance to experience that.

A single mother of two young children, Debbie said she had to become involved when she learned about the drive. She quickly turned to social media, giving the drive a statewide platform. Debbie grew up in Stratford and attended the Stratford High School prom only because her brother gave her money to buy a gown. Debbie said her family didn’t have a lot of money, and she feels for girls facing a similar financial crunch.

“I just like helping people,” said Debbie, who has picked up gowns all over the region at her own expense. She said her ultimate goal is making the city a better and safer place to raise her kids ages 4 and 2.

The collected gowns are stunning, in a wide range of sizes, and in every hue of the rainbow. Some are glittery and sequined while others are sleek and sexy. In any case, the girls of Harding High School should have no trouble finding a gown that fits and flatters.

And though McBride confesses to being the consummate girl dad – he is father to three grown daughters and one son – he admits he forgot a few details like shoes and jewelry to complement the gowns. It’s OK: he’s a newbie at this prom thing. He’s still getting the hang of it.

“I just wasn’t thinking,” he said, scribbling “shawls?” on a huge white board in his office. I admit I’m guilty of mentioning wraps to him, but like I said, I can’t help myself. When I get girly, I go all in. At this point, McBride is cutting off gown donations by May 5th, giving the girls plenty of time to select dresses and accessorise. But he’s already thinking ahead: next year, he plans to sponsor a contest in which girls sew their own dresses, bringing up memories of Pretty In Pink, one of my favorite 80s movies. I can’t wait until next year to see how that shakes out.

On the road again

Miss Cora Belle and I on Day 1 of the St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital’s February 50-mile Dog Walk Challenge. So far, we’ve walked 11 miles. We’re not rushing things, because she’s only a puppy and we’ve got a whole month to do it.

I couldn’t walk much for most of last year.

After tearing my right meniscus playing Pickleball in January and undergoing surgery in March, I asked my doctor when I could resume normal activities.

“Four months,” he said. “July 1st.”

Surely, he was kidding. I’m a very physical person, so I wondered how I’d survive without exercise for seven months. I managed to get through it, but I’m still not sure how. I relied a lot on the big picture, realizing that some people suffer injuries or illnesses from which they never recover. Staying in the moment and keeping things in perspective helped. So did the company of my beloved lab Cali, who stayed by my side throughout those idle months.

Instead of heading out to woods, fields, or the beach, I’d take a spot on the sectional and binge watch TV, read or start my summer garden from seed in indoor greenhouses. Cali would glance over with a look that said, “Oh, I guess we’re being slugs again today.” She didn’t seem to mind. 

By the time I was well enough to start hiking with Cali, she’d developed an inoperable cancerous tumor in her right shoulder that hindered her ability to walk. I didn’t want to walk without her, so I did other things like ride my bike and yard work. I know my neighbors probably wondered why I suddenly needed an immaculate yard, but I needed other ways to get my steps in that didn’t involve hiking with my dog. If Cali couldn’t come with me, I didn’t want to walk either.

After Cali passed away in mid-September, I walked my nephew’s dog when he was in town. Other than that, I didn’t walk. The truth is, I don’t like waking without a canine companion. For me, walking just isn’t fun without a dog to amuse, motivate or distract me.

I began walking in my late 30s with my first lab Lindsey. We walked everywhere, from the shores of Long Island Sound to the South Beach of Martha’s Vineyard. One day, I lost Lindsey while walking a wooded trail near my house. I retraced the trail, only to discover her standing next to my car in the gravel parking area with cars whizzing by.

An open field near my house is one of our favorite destinations.

She was telling me in the clearest way possible that she couldn’t walk that far. I began running after that, leaving Lindsey home to rest her arthritic joints and ailing liver. 

When Lindsey died, Cali picked up where she left off. Lithe and athletic, she was swift in the woods, darting around trees, prickers and crumbling stone walls, miraculously never crashing into them. At one point, we joined a dog walking group in which dogs ran off lead while their owners trailed behind. Cali was leader of the pack, streaking through the woods with all manner of breeds in her dust. She reminded me of one of those Alaskan sled dogs that isn’t a husky, but is put on the team for speed. In her prime, she was like lightning. 

When Cali died in mid-September, there was never a question of whether we’d get another dog, or what kind. I was battling the tail end of Covid 19 when I put in a call to a dog breeder that a friend used. When that didn’t work out, I called a breeder in Massachusetts who happened to have a new litter. We’re partial to female yellow labs, the breed immortalized in Old Yeller. Our first two were American labs, which tend to be leaner and more athletic than the English line.

After reading up on the differences between the two lines, my husband breathed a sigh of relief. “This will be better for us, having more of a family pet than those athletic maniacs we had before,” he said.

The joke was on us. Miss Cora Belle is the most hyper and incorrigible pup we’ve had, using our hands, feet, elbows and thighs (!) as chew toys since bringing her home in late November. I don’t remember my other pups giving me such trouble, but it may be something like infancy with children. When you’re going through it, you wonder how you’ll survive, but when it’s over, you barely remember it and are wistful for those days.

Our puppy kindergarten instructor reminds us that she’s only a baby, in the world just 4 months, so we should all be a little more patient. But it’s been tough going training her, particularly during Dry January. On the plus size, she retrieves the newspaper most days without shredding it and drops her tennis ball on command, something our other two retrievers never mastered. Like any new dog mom, I also know that I can steal a few minutes to myself with a frozen Kong, maybe the best thing ever invented besides a binkie.

I joined the St. Jude’s 50-mile dog walk challenge in February because it’s right in my wheelhouse. I love to walk my dog, but there are days I need an added incentive to get moving and be held accountable. And unlike last year, I’m able to walk outside, something that many of us take for granted. So many people would love to get outside and walk, but can’t due to illness or mobility issues. Being able to walk outside is a privilege, something I learned when I was laid up with a bad knee.

I’ve met my donation goal, so this isn’t a plea for money. It’s just a reminder that good health and agility is a gift that should be embraced, preferably with a dog at your side.

64

The world’s longest tail lights, as seen heading to Cape Cod. See #7.

I’m 64 today. I can’t believe it. But it’s true, and there’s no getting around it: I’m old. In honor of this milestone, here are 64 thoughts gleaned since I entered this world on Aug. 26, 1958: 1. Good manners are the result of good parenting. 2. If you meet a polite kid and have the opportunity, point it out to his/her parents. You will make their day. 3. There should be a special place in hell for people who tailgate at 7 on Sunday mornings. 4. It’s incredible how many people walk with their back to traffic. 5. When you get to your destination, call or text your mother to let her know you got there safely. 6. The people, including my son, who talk you through cable problems over the phone are brilliant. 7. These humongous tail lights are the definition of overkill. 8. Having a kid at college isn’t so bad if you realize it’s where he/she belongs. 9. No one wants to hear that they have “first world” problems. 10. Sometimes you just have to turn off the news. 11. A really good spouse calls to tell you there’s speed trap in the neighborhood. 12. Learning that your pet is sick is heartbreaking. 13. Clean out the refrigerator before you leave for vacation. 14. People with immaculate garages are from another planet. 15. It is very possible to have road rage while riding a bike. 16. A e-bike is one of the best things ever invented. 17. A lot of people focus on their body, but forget about their mind and spirit. 18. Good friends forgive each other’ faults. 19. Sending a kid off to college is a lot more emotional than anyone realizes. 20. Don’t wait a year to give the wedding present. 21. Having my mom around at this age is an enormous blessing. 22. It’s really hard to get 10,000 steps a day without a scheduled walk. 23. Having a semi green lawn when everyone else’s is burnt out is mildly satisfying. 24. Being laid up with an injury puts things in perspective. 25. There is nothing better than seeing two people in love get married. 26. It’s amazing what you will do for your children. 27. Marry someone who makes you laugh. 28. Predicting the Red Sox will lose does not make it any easier. 29. Being a NY Giants fan is a lesson in frustration. 30. Tom Brady is infinitely less annoying now that he’s not with the Patriots. 31. Making baked stuffed lobsters is a lot easier than people realize. 32. Starting a vegetable garden from seed is overrated. 33. Ants in your mailbox are unsettling. 34. A deep facial at a spa is life altering. 35. The green paint they sell for lawns is a waste of money. 36. No one looks good in a cycling helmet. 37. A nickel allergy can destroy earlobes, but plastic surgery can restore them. 38. Motherhood is the most selfless act of love. 39. An air fryer is better than I thought. 40. Fresh bagels demand cream cheese. 41. Eating a big lunch destroys any prospect of a great dinner. 43. Whoever invented the Everything Bagel seasoning is a genius. 44. Frozen chopped onions make cooking a lot easier. 45. Same with minced garlic in a jar. 46. Having pantry moths is horrendous. 47. So is a child with lice. 48. Having a good book is the best feeling in the world. 49. A Fitbit keeps you honest. 50. Sometimes you just need someone to listen.  51. Money doesn’t make people happy; people do. 52. There’s nothing good on TV. 53. I’m unsure I’ll watch Karamo now that Maury is retiring. 54. The whole Ben/JLo thing is getting really old. 55. Always do fasting blood work first thing in the morning so you can have your coffee ASAP. 56. Tennis is only as good as the person calling the lines across the net. 57. The kindness of nurses is astounding. 58. People who make patterns on their lawns are perfectionists. 59. You never forget who didn’t give you a wedding present. 60. Being in a large extended family is a blessing. 61. Go to your high school and college reunions. 62. Expressing sympathy over Facebook or text doesn’t cut it in most cases. 63. It’s much easier to clean when no one is home. 64. If you read all of these, I’m really impressed.

The Great Corn Debate

I look forward to corn on the cob all year. This pile: Morning Glory Farm, Edgartown.

One of the things I love most about summer is corn on the cob. 

My mother always features a huge platter of corn at her summer picnics, and I wait eagerly for farmers markets to drop loads of it on wooden tables, keeping the moisture in with a damp towel.

I don’t shuck my corn before buying like some, relying on my eye and the feel of the ear for signs of worms or even worse, strangely developed kernels. Nothing is more disappointing than shucking an ear only to find tiny or enormous kernels arrayed in mismatched rows. This is probably why I always buy an extra ear or two.

I’d been craving corn while on vacation on Martha’s Vineyard, where we cook in most nights. I had it all mapped out: I’d ride my bike 6 miles to Morning Glory Farm in Edgartown, and marvel at the glorious produce and spectacular bouquets. On my way out, I’d pluck four ears from the pile being carefully tended (policed?) by a store worker.

She looked at me suspiciously, as if I might start shucking right there, heaving a sigh of relief when I simply poked in the pile and plucked out four bright green ears that were cool to the touch. I put them in a brown paper bag, paid an enormous $5.60 and affixed them to the back of my bike for the ride home.

I was pleased with myself, having sourced part of my dinner while getting in some exercise.  Killing two birds with one stone as the expression goes, though I’ve never really loved that imagery.

So imagine my mood when I returned home and showed the Curmudgeon my bounty. Instead of excitement, he announced: “Corn isn’t good here until August.”

Talk about a buzz kill. I ignored his statement for about an hour, as I do with his occasional pronouncements, which often sound like rules passed down from generation to generation. And then while I began shucking, I exploded.

“Who says that corn isn’t good until August?” I screamed. “The guy who runs the farm stand at home stops selling corn after Labor Day. Are you telling me it’s only good for a month?”

My outburst was met with silence, but I know where these rules come from. They’re from his father, who grew up on the island and had more rules than most exclusive country clubs. One of his funniest: a disdain for the MVY stickers people put on their cars.

Sunflowers at Morning Glory Farm in Edgartown.

***

When you vacation where your spouse did as a child, you never fully assimilate. Well, maybe some people do, but not me. I don’t feel confident riding the waves, diving under them at just the right time to avoid being smashed. I’m the crone who beats a hasty retreat at the sight of a huge wave, usually getting pummeled before I reach shore. And I can’t lay on the beach for hours at a time, largely under orders of my dermatologist after a brush with skin cancer in my late 40s.

His family did a lot of things as a unit on their annual two-week stay at the Vineyard every July. One of the biggest surprises of my early dating life occurred when his parents piled into the car with us to go buy fish in Menemsha. Any excursion was an excuse for family time.

This was light years away from my own family’s vacation mode: my sisters and I scattered on our two-week vacations at the Cape, giving our parents a wide berth. My father spent every day golfing with his best friend and his brother-in-law, rehashing the round over peanuts and drinks every afternoon. My mother kept busy with her sister Joan and her dear friend Lee. It was the adults and the kids, and we liked to keep it that way. We all needed a little time away from each other.

***

I boiled the water and threw in the corn, not expecting much given the Curmudgeon’s prediction. I turned off the burner, letting the corn rest as I cooked fat hamburgers on the grill.

I smugly pulled out four of the most buttery yellow ears, and coated them with a film of sweet butter. I took two, placing the other two on the Curmudgeon’s plate. He wolfed the corn, blessedly with little noise, before I’d finished my first. 

The corn was good, not great. Sweet and crisp to the bite, but just a shade mealy or what the Curmudgeon terms “horse corn.” As it turns out, it was shipped to the Vineyard from Georgia. For really good native corn, everyone knows you must wait until August.

Let’s All Tie Dye

The Curmudgeon tried his hand at it, using colors from his alma mater.

I’ve always been indifferent, even dismissive, about tie dye.

I’d cringe when my kids came home with a wet tie dye project in a plastic bag from camp, worrying that the colors would bleed all over my good clothes. And I always questioned the fashion sense of adults who pranced around in garish tie dye shirts, wondering what was going through their minds when they got dressed that morning.

“Must’ve been the only clean shirt in their drawer,” I’d think.

I haven’t worn a homemade tie dye garment since the ’70s, and I haven’t felt that I’m missing anything. I’m not a particularly crafty person nor do I crave a collection of tie dye in my wardrobe. So how do I explain my recent fascination with tie dye, which includes scouring Ocean State Job Lot and TJ Maxx for cheap white cotton shirts when I should have been home getting ready for Hurricane Henri?

While the rest of New England was battening down the hatches, I was hunting for 100 percent cotton T-shirts along with other panic buyers, including a woman balancing a one-month-old baby on her knee like a rag doll. It’s amazing what the prospect of a natural disaster like a hurricane does to the human mind. Some people go into survival mode, while other people go straight to denial and retail therapy. I’d like to think that explains why an older woman had to go shopping for throw pillows with a hurricane looming in the Atlantic.

I can’t explain the Tie Dye fixation, at least not rationally. So I’ll blame my 20-year-old daughter Maura, who worked as a day camp counselor over the summer. One day, she asked me to pick up tie dye materials as an activity for her 6-year-old campers. After scouring Wal-mart and coming up empty, I headed over to Michael’s, or should I say Tie Dye Central?

In the old days, tie dye meant boxes of Ritz dye, white vinegar and buckets, a mess just waiting to happen. But today’s tie dye kits are designed to streamline the process and make it seamless as possible. For $20, I bought a Tulip tie dye party in a plastic tackle box featuring everything from adorable plastic bottles containing dye to rubber bands, rubber gloves and even a plastic table cloth to protect my work space.

Maura never got around to using the kit with the kids, but it was increasingly tempting, like a quart of hand-packed vanilla ice cream in the freezer. I knew I would eventually break down and tear open the box, unleashing my inner child. The only question was how long would it take, and which white shirt in my wardrobe would be the first victim.

I created this shirt after watching a YouTube video. You wrap the wet shirt around a cylinder, wrap with twine and then saturate with dye. I’m partial to indigo blue.

One hot muggy day, it happened. I got the overwhelming urge to tie dye, but not with reckless abandon of a summer camper. Instead, I decided to bone up on tie dye techniques on YouTube. In 15 minutes, I learned how to create striations, swirls and blocks of color to make something I might actually wear out of the house. I like things you can master in 15 minutes or less, and tie dye fits nicely into that category.

Watching a tie dye guru fold, twist and pucker fabrics to achieve certain patterns only heightened my desire to try my hand at this ancient process. The only problem would be having the patience to let my project sit for 24 hours to allow the dye to really soak in. Apparently, this is a problem shared by tie dyers worldwide, as nearly every tutorial stresses the importance of letting your project sit for at least one day.

Like most baby boomers, I associate tie dye with hippies of the ’60s, who often wore their homemade creations as a sign of the anti establishment and anti war movement. You can’t look at clips of Woodstock or anti war protests from those days without seeing a sea of homemade tie dye, which was as popular as halter tops, hot pants and low hip hugger bell bottom jeans.

My parents were pretty strict when it came to our clothes in elementary and junior high school. We couldn’t wear jeans to school and tie dye was not encouraged, perhaps because it was associated with hippies and stoners. No one was particularly sad to see the fad disappear in the late 70s, and for years, the only tie dye I saw was in the window of Sunshine Daydream, a tiny head shop along our town’s commercial strip.
But tie dye has more lives than a cat, re-emerging in the 80s and now holding a firm place in the fashion industry. Fashion historians say it tends to gain steam in tough times, when people are looking for cheap ways to reinvent their wardrobes. Maybe surviving a pandemic is part of the current tie dye craze. It would certainly explain my desire to do something that never interested me in the least until now.

Dating back to ancient China and Japan, tie dye arrived on the American fashion scene in the Roaring 20s and during the Great Depression. For the cost of a box of dye, people could create new fashion pieces and on top of that, have a one-of-a-kind piece. Think of tie dye like snowflakes: no two pieces are exactly the same.

That freedom of self expression through clothing boomed in the mid-60s with the anti war movement and in the early 70s with the women’s movement. I never really wore tie dye back then except for a shirt I made at the town’s day camp at the community center. Tie dying was one of our crafts, along with pot holders, a tile trivet and a paper mache cast of a dolphin that I hung on my bedroom wall.

My niece Julia enjoyed making a tote bag.

To share my joy of tie dye, I hosted my own tie dye party with a group of relatives. When one brother-in-law looked like he might not participate, I said tie dying was required if he planned to eat dinner. He quickly scooped up a white shirt and tried his hand at it. I think he might have even enjoyed it.

Explaining my obsession to others often prompts skeptical looks. When I shared it with one sister, she wrote, “I hope you make the best tie dye on the East Coast” in my birthday card. Along with the card was a gorgeous tie dye scarf and beach bag. I couldn’t decide I’d she was indulging or poking a little fun at me. Maybe a little of both, I suspect.

A Cautionary Tale

A field near our house is pretty, but a breeding ground for ticks.

We’ve live about 30 minutes from Lyme, CT., notorious for being the epicenter of Lyme disease.

Almost everyone I know has had Lyme disease, a tick-borne illness carried by a tiny deer tick. I had my own battle with the disease last year after a huge welt on my back didn’t go away after a month, and I finally got myself to the doctor. Ten days of antibiotics cleared it up, but I joined the ranks of relatives, friends and acquaintances with my own Lyme war story.

One of my friends had such a bad case of Lyme that he had to have a port for intravenous antibiotics for several months. A good friend of mine is on antibiotics permanently because of an undiagnosed case of Lyme disease in the late 80s. She occasionally gets a reprieve when her stomach can’t take it any more, but she suffers with permanent arthritis as a result of Lyme.

Unfortunately, ticks carry more than just Lyme, and doctors in Connecticut say this summer has been the worst in recent years for tick-borne diseases, which often present with flu-like symptoms. I’m writing this in hopes of sparing other people the agony of an undiagnosed tick borne disease. If you have flu-like symptoms and Covid 19 has been ruled out, insist that your health care provider run a blood panel to look for tick-borne diseases.

The Curmudgeon has been more curmudgeonly lately, complaining of fatigue, body aches and fever. He has been walking around with a digital thermometer in his pocket, taking his temperature while sitting at his desk at the office and driving his car. He has been running a fever of around 102 degrees, and complaining about night sweats and an ache in his back near his kidneys.

Two weeks ago, a Covid 19 came out negative, but his flu-like symptoms persisted. After much prodding, he called his doctor and was told he could get a telemedicine appointment two days later. If he wanted more immediate care, they referred him to a walk-in clinic affiliated with Yale-New Haven Hospital a half-hour away. I suggested the Yale Shoreline Clinic 5 minutes from our house, but the Curmudgeon overruled me. Naturally.

The doctor at the walk-in clinic took a chest X-ray, but never ran blood work. She sent him home, telling him that he looked good, but should consider a follow-up if his fever persisted. He was convinced it was a flu-like illness after a young woman in his office said she had contracted a similar virus, and downed Tylenol to control his fever, which continued to spike without medication.

Convinced it was just a matter of time until the fever abated, he played three matches for his USTA team in Districts outside of Boston last weekend. He’d been looking forward to it for months, and saw no reason to back out just because of a fever. Don’t even get me started on how much I tried to talk him out of it, but it was no use. He wanted to go, and he did, winning two of his three doubles matches.

He arrived home Saturday night and was still feeling awful. He finally went to the Shoreline clinic at the foot of our neighborhood on Sunday night, where they discovered he has Babesiosis, a tick-borne disease caused by microscopic parasites that infect red blood cells. Babesiosis is just one of several potentially deadly diseases carried by ticks in Connecticut, though I’d never heard of it until the Curmudgeon texted it to me.

Doctors considered admitting him to the hospital for treatment of the disease, which can lead to kidney failure and a host of other problems if left untreated. He was finally released about 4 a.m. after a courier rushed medicine from New Haven to Guilford. He will be on meds until the parasite is thoroughly eradicated from his blood cells.

Incredibly, this is the second case of a tick borne illness in my family within a month. In July, one of my brother-in-laws was diagnosed with anaplasmosis, another tick borne disease that infects blood cells. In both of these cases, the disease sufferer was convinced they had a common virus, and resisted seeking medical treatment, having no idea how sick they really were. It was only through prodding from relatives, including my 87-year-old mother, that the Curmudgeon finally sought follow-up care.

How did the Curmudgeon get it?

Though people were quick to blame the dog, we treat her with tick prevention medication and she doesn’t sleep in our bed. It’s more likely he contracted it in the woods near our house, where we’ve been walking the dog due to the the high heat and humidity this summer. Ticks like moist shady areas and there’s plenty of that around here. To be honest, we rarely check for ticks and we don’t wear pants or tuck in our socks, probably the best way to prevent a tick bite.

I hope to get something positive out of the Curmudgeon’s ordeal, trying to educate people to be aware of tick-borne diseases other than Lyme. We all love our pets, but anyone with a dog or who spends time outside should check yourself every day for ticks. We should make it part of our daily routine along with showering and brushing our teeth. Ticks have to be on our radar, though they’ve understandably taken a back seat during the pandemic.

Don’t be scared, but be aware and insist on blood work. Anything less just doesn’t cut it with ticks out there.

Music To My Ears

Distractions are needed when you have a dog that jumps into every mud puddle or pond she finds.

Listening to books as I strolled the hills and meadows of my hometown was one of the only things that kept me relatively sane during the pandemic.

In a perfect world, I’d have someone to keep me company, to entertain and distract me with stories about their spouses and children, or provide a sounding board as I prattle on about my own life. But having a walking buddy is not always possible, particularly in the summer when people scatter. I’ve learned the hard way that a walking date is the first thing to go when the day gets a little hectic, meaning I’m on my own.

A lot of people took up walking during the pandemic to get outside and stay relatively fit. There’s a couple in my neighborhood who march by military style every day, the husband 10 paces ahead of the wife, occasionally making circles to wait for her to catch up. But I’d rather walk alone than trail someone who can’t be bothered talking to me. I’m annoyed for this woman, though it seems to be working for them.

I’m late to the Audiobook game, a person who always wondered about the state of marriages of couples who insist on listening to books on long road trips. I relish having a chance to chat with the Curmudgeon on long car trips because he’s a captive audience, unable to scroll through his phone or sneak a peek at the Boston Red Sox or Boston Bruins game as I rail about something.

The Curmudgeon and I are seasoned long haulers, able to keep a conversation going for most of our annual 16-hour road trip to Hilton Head Island every spring. When things get dull, I play DJ, digging through my music library to play old chestnuts like the Stray Cats and the Peppermint Rainbow, an obscure group from the 60s. No surprise that they were one-hit wonders with a ridiculous name like that.

I first turned to Audible in the early part of the pandemic, listening to a free autobiography by music legend James Taylor. Bonus: Taylor narrated the book in his beautiful voice, which is just as soulful and appealing as his singing voice. Between chapters, I’d play some of Taylor’s songs, happy to know the background of how they came to be.

Taylor’s book unwittingly sparked a succession of Audiobooks about musicians and their music, a kind of MTV “Behind the Music” walk down memory lane. Since March 2020, I’ve listened to 12 Audiobooks about musicians, from Jim Morrison of the Doors, Grace Slick of Jefferson Starship and Tom Petty to Rod Stewart, Heart, Fleetwood Mac and Peter Frampton. 

One of the most surprising aspects of my selections is the number of lesser known group members I’ve opted to listen to over their more famous bandmates. I passed up Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler’s book “Is The Noise in My Head Bothering You?” in favor of bassist Joe Perry’s book “Rocks.” I passed on Go-Go Girls’ lead singer Belinda Carlisle’s book in favor of bassist Kathy Valentine’s book, “All I Ever Wanted,” which I thoroughly enjoyed. 

For me, there’s something fascinating about the “fly on the wall” stories from people who were in groups, but not center stage. I tried to listen to both Tyler and Carlisle’s stories after listening to their bandmates’ books, but wasn’t interested enough to go past the sample. I’m sure there could be a psychological element involved: I am, of course, the second born child, never having the spotlight to myself. Or it may have something to do with my appreciation for a good base, which makes the song.

Rock memoirs strike the right note during a stroll, engaging me but not forcing me to think too hard. I tried listening to a biography of William Faulkner, but got bored after a few chapters. I have no idea what I was thinking when I bought it, because I don’t have the patience for any of it. I’m pretty sure the hard copy of the book is just as tedious.

One of the best parts about this endeavor is learning tidbits about singers and songs that I’ve loved for years:

John Sebastian of the Lovin’ Spoonful played harmonica on the Doors’ Roadhouse Blues, changing his name on the album credits so his fans wouldn’t be upset.

Stevie Wonder played harmonica on Chaka Khan’s song “I Feel for You” after attending Marvin Gaye’s funeral. Listening to it, you can almost hear Wonder’s joy and appreciation for life. I’ve loved that song for years, yet never focused on the harmonica part until I realized who was playing.

For me, the background to a song has always been as interesting as the song itself. When he was writing his song “Melissa,”, Greg Allman couldn’t come up with a suitable girl’s name until he walked into a convenience store and someone yelled, “Melissa.” David Lee Roth wrote the words to nearly every Van Halen song after his bandmates wrote the music.

Next up: Sinead O’Connor’s new memoir narrated in her delightful Irish accent, which was suggested by one of my sisters with an equal passion for rock memoirs. I don’t know her music that well, but that’s half the fun of this endeavor. It opened my horizons during a bleak period of entrapment, giving me a mental as well as a physical escape. And for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.

Back in the Saddle

My former editor Linda’s family has created a website containing many of her personal columns and readings for Vermont Public Radio. The address is http://lduchar.me/.

I’ve been looking for a good reason to blog lately.

It came rather unexpectedly as I was saying goodbye to my friend Linda’s son after her memorial service in Vermont.

Like many people over the last 16 months, Linda’s funeral was postponed due the Covid 19 pandemic, preventing her family, friends and former co-workers from gathering to properly mourn, raise a glass and share stories about her. The lack of ceremony made her death at age 83 in March, 2020, a little surreal. Depriving people of the ritual and comfort of gathering to mourn was one of the most difficult parts of the pandemic.

I was relieved that her family decided to press ahead with a memorial mass because such ceremonies often fall by the wayside with the passage of time. When my mother-in-law died in 2004, we planned to hold a memorial service in her hometown “at a later date.” We never could muster the strength or enthusiasm for the memorial service, contenting ourselves with her funeral on Martha’s Vineyard.

There is comfort in gathering after someone you love dies because at the end of the day, it’s how people touch our lives that matters. All too often today, we use social media or a text to convey feelings of sympathy, but there is something to be said for showing up for people in their time of sorrow. In his 2009 book Losing Mum and Pup: A Memoir, Chris Buckley (son of William F. Buckley) wrote that you don’t remember who shows up at wakes and funerals, but you remember who doesn’t. I’ve come to see the wisdom in his words.

As I was bidding goodbye to Linda’s oldest child Bob and complimenting him on his eulogy, he told me that he once read some of my blogs to his mother during a weekend visit at an assisted living facility in Brattleboro, where she lived her final years with her loving husband of 61 years Bob Sr. As he read one blog about some women having the great fortune of looking great with gray hair, he realized that I had included his mother in the piece. He thought it was incredibly coincidental – he had randomly picked that blog. I thought him telling me the story was equally coincidental. Over the last few weeks, I’ve lamented more than once that I’ve let my blog slide. That’s not like me, and I’m sure Linda, who also happened to be my first newspaper editor, would be disappointed that I’ve been slacking off.

I don’t know why we let things slide that we love from time to time, but we do and sometimes we need messages from heaven to get back on track. I love to blog, but glitches with WordPress and the resumption of life post-pandemic over the past few months put the blog in mothballs. I have a few pieces in the hopper, but I began to feel self-conscious about posting. I began to overthink, a sure recipe for blocking anything good in life.

I began to write personal columns under Linda’s guidance as a reporter for the Milford Citizen in the early 80s. We had a rotating column called “In This Corner” in which reporters and editors waxed about everything from sisters stealing clothes (me) to learning how to drive (Linda). We wrote when the spirit moved us, and it usually did. Everyone contributed columns, including an older society pages assistant named Kay Patrick, who once shared her recipe for blueberry buckle.

The Milford Citizen was a tight-knit group: what we lacked in prestige and size we made up for in fun and camaraderie. People dressed in costumes on Halloween and we had a standing table at a bar next door, where we drank pitchers of beer and feasted on chicken wings during happy hours. One day, we roasted the pressman Warren, who always wore flannel shirts, gathering around the press in the backroom in a collection of plaid shirts. Going to work wasn’t a chore because it was fun, even when we were pushing to get out the paper.

Much of the credit for the atmosphere goes to Linda, who ran the place like a mother hen. She was the first person through the door at 6 a.m., relishing having the newsroom to herself, and couldn’t understand why I could never arrive at work on time at 8 a.m. She ate yogurt at her desk every day, depriving herself the luxury of a lunch out, and was slightly jealous when I’d return from a lunch of whole belly fried clams and french fries, wishing she could indulge like a 23 year old. I don’t think anyone over the age of 25 can pull that off, but it was fun while it lasted. 

During my interview for my first reporter’s job, Linda spent the bulk of the time telling me about her four children, including Bob, who was a student at Columbia University at the time. It was clear that although she was a working mom, her first priority was her kids, and to her credit, I could never tell which one was her favorite. She gushed about all of them with equal fervor and I sometimes was envious that they had such a cool parent. I often thought of her as a second mom, though I don’t think she knew that.

When I fell in love with the sports editor and planned to marry, Linda threw a surprise bridal shower at her house, where every woman from the entire newspaper gathered and presented me with gifts. I still remember her luring me over to her house, saying, “Hey, could you come here for a minute?” I was stunned when I entered her house to a roomful of smiling women bearing everything from placemats to picnic baskets. In photos from that day, I have the look of someone who’s seen a ghost; I don’t think my heartbeat returned to normal until the following day when the shock wore off.

As part of the memorial service, Linda’s children compiled a website with slice of life columns that she wrote for the Brattleboro Reformer, the newspaper that lured her away with the promise of a job in the mid-80s. The timing was right: her youngest son Peter had just graduated from high school, and Linda longed for the green mountains of Vermont, where she’d spent her youth before her family settled in Connecticut. I was, of course, devastated. Things were never the same after she left.

The priest praised Linda’s columns about everyday things, noting they evoked feelings of a simpler time and ultimately gave people hope in their everyday lives. As he spoke, I thought of my blog, and how my friend Barbara told me she read some of them to fellow patients while undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. Barbara told me that they gave them a chuckle at a low point, lifting their spirits as cancer-fighting drugs seeped into their veins. For me, that was the highest praise – better than a paycheck or Pulitzer, though to be honest, both would be nice.

So I’m back to the blog in a very big part because of Linda, and the things she taught me about life: family first, friendship, laughter, faith, home-cooked meals, frugality, keep things simple, celebrate the good times and above all, share your talents, even if it’s just with one person.

I miss her, but she lives in my heart and inspires me. Most of all, I think she’d be happy that I’m back in the saddle again.

Ignorance Isn’t Bliss

An older woman walked into the monastery gift shoppe where I volunteer every other week.

I love this job because it reminds me of playing store when I was little. There is a cash box with a key, an adding machine with a spool of white paper, and a receipt book with carbon paper on which I write up purchases. The white one goes in the cash box, the yellow one with the customer. We take only cash or checks: there’s not a credit card machine or chip that plugs into your I-Phone to pay anywhere in sight. Volunteers have been known to lend people cash so they can make their purchases, relying on the honor system of being paid back.

Vaccinated, but still masked for now…

I love the job because I’m off the grid for a few hours – my I-Phone doesn’t get service there – and the 20 or so sisters at the monastery aren’t obsessed with sales. Sure, they rely on them to survive, but they have more important things on their mind, including praying for the salvation of man. I’m all for that, because we could sure use it these days.

I knew this customer was a little prickly when she took a seat across from me, and asked me why I wasn’t playing religious music, as many volunteers do.

“I really enjoy the quiet,” I said. “Many of the people who come in here remark on how quiet it is, such a break from the noise of everyday life.” It’s true. The quiet and sense of peace are the first things people comment on when they step onto the monastery grounds in North Guilford, CT. It’s a different kind of quiet, the kind that heightens your sense of hearing and makes you long for more quiet spaces.

“I enjoy hearing religious music when I’m here,” she repeated.

I didn’t flinch, nor feel the need to slip a CD disc into the CD player behind the desk. She made her opinion known, and I listened to her, but I did my own thing. Listening is usually a good strategy when dealing with other people, but it doesn’t mean we should compromise our own wishes. I like the quiet, so it stayed quiet.

Her breathing was heavy and it looked like she was struggling to breathe behind her face mask. I commented that it looked like Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was struggling to breathe behind her face mask during President Biden’s address to the Joint Session of Congress. At times it looked like Pelosi was having difficulty breathing, something I’ve struggled with at times behind a mask.

“I didn’t watch it,” she snapped. “I wouldn’t watch him or her for all the money in the world.”

Her friend quickly chimed in, “Every time I see her, it looks like she’s had another facelift. Why would I watch her?”

I was a little surprised by the women’s response to my comment. Once upon a time, it was our civic duty to watch presidential addresses. It didn’t matter if we voted for the president or not: we had a duty to hear what he had to say, to be educated on what was going on with our country. That’s how I was raised anyway. You didn’t skip the President’s address because of someone’s appearance, or even their politics.

Her comment bothered me, particularly since President Biden has stayed largely behind the scenes since taking office in January. It’s not as if he’s been on TV a lot. In fact, he’s been roundly criticized by some for his low profile while tackling the worst pandemic to hit this country in 100 years. So I was interested in what he had to say after more than three months on the job. I figured a lot of other people felt the same way I did.

Since I began voting at age 18, I’ve listened to more presidents I didn’t vote for than presidents I did. But that’s part of our civic duty: becoming informed and listening to speeches and press conferences so we can form educated opinions on issues, not just repeat pablum filtered through political pundits. Failing to educate yourself about what’s going because you don’t like someone isn’t an excuse, at least in my book.

If you don’t know what’s going on, how can you form an opinion, or possibly have it changed? An open mind seems to be a rare commodity these days, but I think it’s something we all need. The worst kind of thinking is believing you know everything, having your mind made up before you know all or even some of the facts. It would be nice if we all emerged from the pandemic a little more open-minded and willing to listen.

This was Biden’s first major address to the joint session of Congress since taking office. I was most interested in what he had to say about the pandemic and the future. I wanted to hear what he had to say about jobs, and was buoyed when he mentioned a push for all of us to buy American again. That hasn’t been a national rallying cry in a long time, and quite frankly is long overdue.

My encounter with the women got me thinking about civic duty, and the importance of doing your part for this nation. I decided to alter my Facebook photo to show that I’ve been double vaccinated against Covid 19. I didn’t know this was an option until several of my Facebook friends put the tiny banner along the edge of their profile photos. It’s a little thing, but shows my support for the vaccination program. It’s the least I can do to show others that I’m on board, actually thrilled to be double vaccinated.

Facebook launched the program in conjunction with the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (HHS) and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to promote public awareness and acceptance of the vaccine. The theory is that if people see family and friends doing it, they’ll do it too. Facebook is launching the frames because studies show how social norms can have a major impact on people’s attitude and behavior when it comes to their health.

They have a point: I decided to change my profile picture after seeing one of my friends had done it. It’s a simple thing, but maybe it will convince someone who’s on the fence to do it.